“Dear God” she prayed, “let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry…have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere- be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is every lost.” - from A Tree Grows in Booklyn by Betty Smith, 1943
Cancer is as much a disease of emotional struggle as it is physical. I read this book recently, and the excerpt really resonated with me, moving me to joyful tears. I re-read the paragraph over and over in the quiet of the night, the noisiness of the ballet studio, and aloud to each member of my family.. These words so reflect the internal bargaining that many go through when battling cancer. "Please let me survive," we plead, "and I promise to appreciate every moment of every day," Then, when we are finally out from the dark tunnel of treatment, our faces once again in the sun, there is a deep and eternal appreciation of living, of feeling the seconds, the moments, and hopefully compiling them into years of grateful survival.
Sometimes fears of recurrence pull cancer survivors to a panicked place, inciting desperation to validate one's alive-ness by living, even over-living. I know this first hand. For those that have been stricken with cancer and struggle in those moments of recurring fear, those that support loved ones that are dealing with cancer, and even those that have survived 50 years past cancer but still have occasional fear, I assure you that you are not alone. These emotions are not all bad. Cancer survival, and its associated gratefulness for life, lead many to explore a new hobby, take on a new challenge, love a little deeper, be more forgiving, loosen up. Our perspective changes and we not only see the forest for the trees, but the trees for the leaves, and the life-giving air and sun.
To live ones life with an authentic appreciation for living is, in a sense, like living it from death backwards. Facing off our mortality makes us realize the gift that is time. How wonderful to more fully value and feel watching our children sprout and branch out, opportunities to learn and lead, our ability to share and impart, and time to just breath.. To be "above ground" consciously experiencing and engaging in the full breadth of what it is to be part of humankind is to be truly alive. To smell the ocean and earth, feel the biting cold, cry at our losses, celebrate our joys, laugh out loud, help others in need, and learn something new every day is like the unwrapping of gift after gift after gift.
Perfect or not... how blessed we are to be something every minute of every day. The quote above says it all and more.
Here's to the adventure called life, the medical and scientific communities that afford people like me the chance to live, and generous souls everywhere that support research and care. May our combined philanthropic and humanitarian efforts afford more people struggling with cancer the chance to survive, and touch all the wonder that is "life".
